Pro tip: If you’re given the chance to marry a goofball, do it.
My husband makes me laugh all day, every day — and when he’s not cracking me up, he’s shocking me with his compassion and love. Fashion isn’t really his thing, but since I love it so much he’s always made an effort to get involved. Cute, right? But as some of you may know, this has started some awkward conversations; he just doesn’t have an expansive fashion vocabulary.
I have decided to exploit that for all of our benefit. You’re welcome in advance.
In the continued spirit of that time Lance tried to think of the word ‘halter top,’ I messaged my husband the names of three fashion trends/items. He described back what he thought they meant without seeing a picture. You’re killing it, baby.
TREND NO. 1: Solo Cold Shoulder
Image: Free People
Lance’s Guess: “Me Tarzan, you fashionable! If I were to guess, I’d say this is a dress or shirt that is held up by one strap, making it look like Tarzan’s jumpsuit or those robes worn by the Romans. Sans jungle movie men and Caesar, I’d say this mostly worn by women, and knowing my wife I’d guess it’s a good way to make yourself cold for no reason. Aren’t you cold enough as it is?”
TREND NO. 2: EAR JACKETS
Image: Kendra Scott
Lance’s Guess: “Is it an ear-shaped jacket or a jacket for your ear? I’m confused. This sounds like a pretentious way to say earmuffs… as in, some Real Housewife of Yakutsk mom saying to her daughter ‘Anastasiya, don’t forget your ear jacket!’ while she wraps herself in furs that may or may not still have faces attached.
On second thought, maybe it isn’t on your ears. Maybe it’s on your jacket. I’d say this is a jacket with an excessively large collar so you can pop that bad boy and protect the listening holes on the sides of yo’ head. Done. Final answer. Feeling good about this one.”
TREND NO. 3: MULES
Lance’s Guess: “This sounds like it carries something, like you and your shit and your sticky kid on a tour of the grand Canyon. I don’t have a great guess here, and I’m fairly certain you made this up to fuck with me.
For the sake of logic, I’d say it’s either a very sturdy or very concealable purse. Is this fashion’s version of a drug mule? Sweetie, don’t go down that road no matter how nice the handbag. That better be powdered foundation in your purse…”
You get an A for effort, husband.