This is the time of year to drink. Whether you’re celebrating Valentine’s Day with your significant other, ringing in Galentine’s Day with your lady pals, or simply ignoring all ‘holidays’ not important enough for you to get off work, you probably need a new cocktail recipe ASAP.
I needed a new cocktail recipe. I accidentally made four. You’re welcome.
Be Mine Melon Mimosa
- Watermelon juice
This is the mimosa’s sultry cousin visiting from somewhere you’ve never been. Sure, she needs ingredients a little harder to come by than your standard OJ, but the finished result is far from the drink next door. I had four because I thought wasting the champagne would be inappropriate.
The Flirty Freeze
- 1/2 C orange juice
- 1/2 C cranberry juice
- 1 shot tequila
- Garnish with a tropical freeze pop
I’ll be honest with you – this recipe came to be after I realized I had a box of tropical freeze pops nearly too freezer burnt to eat. (Cough, way too freezer burnt to eat but I ate it anyway, cough.) Dunking them in tequila sounded like the best possible solution to avoid waste. Alcohol would kill any weird freezer germs from them being so old, right? That’s science, I think. Or maybe the alcohol makes me not care about the germs, or that fact that I think I moved these freeze pops here from our last apartment. I did it for the environment, guys. I got drunk alone on a Tuesday for the environment.
- 2/3 C Pink & Black Owl’s Brew
- 1/3 C cranberry juice
- 1 shot spiced rum
Remember when I introduced you to Owl’s Brew way back when? Their PR team sent me a box of products to sample, and I hadn’t gotten around to trying the Pink & Black. It was a little too intense for me, so I toned it down with cranberry juice and a shot of Sailor Jerry Spiced Rum. Sailor Jerry comes with a picture of a pin-up girl on the inside of the label, which feels appropriate for Valentine’s Day, so I found it vital to fit it in somewhere. Also I just bought a new bottle and I had a teeny bit left in the old bottle I had to empty to fit everything back in the bar.
The stripper cup is not a required part of this recipe, but should you have any nudity or near-nudity on your glassware, now’s the time to use it.
The Tart Sweetheart
- 1/2 C cranberry juice
- 1/2 C club soda
- 1 shot Loopy vodka
Oh, Loopy vodka. You’re the shitshow of my liquor cabinet. I can feel guests’ judgement about Loopy when they go looking for a bottle opener for that fancy red wine they brought that I have no intention of drinking. And since you’re so tall, Loopy, everyone can see you even if I hide ya in the back, which makes the rest of my alcohol selection seem like the booze-equivalent of a selfie. Do I love a good selfie? Who doesn’t! But you can’t go around showing off the selfie love or people will think, at best, you’re vain – or at worst, you’re idiotic. The fact that my Loopy vodka is surrounded by 10-ish other bottles of flavored vodka doesn’t help my case here.
But let me explain how I got this. In college, or shortly after college, I was at a drugstore with one of my girlfriends when we found it closed out on super sale for a few bucks at Walgreens. At that price, I had to try it. I love Froot Loops and… well, I feel weird saying I love vodka, but I certainly don’t hate vodka. Now this bottle of Loopy is who knows how old; it has been smelt for shits and giggles at parties a handful of times and sipped maybe twice.
I was determined to find a use for it, and adding it to cranberry juice and club soda works. It tastes vaguely like Sour Straws. Maybe it should be drank through a Sour Straw. I didn’t have any, and by the time I thought of that I was too drunk to go buy any. Try it and report back, please.
Cheers, my valentines.