People say all kinds of nice things to you when you’re engaged. “Congratulations!” “Good for you!” “You’ll make a lovely bride!” You get the idea.
But in case you’re not engaged or married, here’s some weird news you might not have expected: People also say some really rude shit about your wedding while you’re planning it.
After the first rude comment about my wedding, I was a bit perplexed. By the ninth or tenth, I was pissed. I talked to some engaged or married friends to find out what staggeringly-thoughtless comments they have heard, and it turns out, this is a pretty common occurrence. Yes, some comments can be harmless depending on person and tone, and many are likely intended to be helpful instead of hurtful, but clearly there’s a fraction of folks who just don’t know when to shut the hell up.
In case you don’t know what is and is not acceptable to say, I rounded up the best bride-to-be insults in a handy list you can consult before deciding to speak. (Unless you’re trying to sound like an asshole. If that’s your goal, you’re doing a great job with these jabs.)
Original Photo: Chameleon Imagery
10. “You didn’t register for china/silver/crystal? We use ours alllllll the time.”
I never know how I am supposed to respond to this one. Cool? You live a fancier life than I do? You have more patience for hand-washing dishes than we ever will? If you really want to buy a couple silver or crystal or china, do it — but if they didn’t register for it, don’t be surprised when it gets thrown into the dishwasher.
9. “You’re not going overseas for your honeymoon? We went to [somewhere very far away.]”
This one surprised me; I didn’t expect people to express unsolicited opinions all over my honeymoon, because people normally don’t shit-talk others’ vacations. I get that you are disappointed for me with (what you think are) good intentions, but sometimes people pick different things than you would, and that’s okay.
If someone says they are taking a honeymoon you find to be subpar, let me feed you your line: “How fun!” The. End.
8. “How is it a wedding without [insert cultural or religious tradition here]?”
Ah dang, here we go with this one. You and I don’t have to define weddings the same way, because you aren’t part of my wedding. Just like you wouldn’t dream of saying, “Your wedding is in French? How is it even a wedding if it isn’t in English?” you shouldn’t ask how it’s a wedding without your particular traditions.
7. “That’s a good caterer… if you’re on a budget.”
I won’t start on the fact that everyone should be on a budget and will instead move forward to the simple truth that if it isn’t your wedding, you don’t get to publicly whine about the price. If you think the food will be beneath your exquisite palate, keep it to yourself and be sure to gift the couple the most expensive kitchen items — yes, plural, get them the standing mixer and the fancy blender, ya snob — on their registry; clearly they need your fancy-pants help.
6. “We would never spend that much on a wedding.”
Cool story, bro. We’re super lucky you’re not footing the bill. Maybe we’ll save money and not invite you.
5. “You’re registering there? Don’t you think it’s a little cheap/expensive?”
Let me rephrase your sentence: “You know that place you clearly like? I don’t like it, and you should feel bad for liking it.” Rude much? If you want to spend more or less, pick out your own gift not on the registry. It’s a gift — short of bringing a turd wrapped in a bow, you really can’t mess it up.
4. “Oh, you’re using FAKE flowers.”
This exact line has been uttered to me many times after someone learns we’re using silk flowers. Somehow they always repeat it back as fake flowers. Funny how that works.
3. “You’re not going to wear your nose ring, are you?”[Also applicable to other piercings, gauges, tattoos, unnatural hair color, etc.]
I’ve had my nose ring for 10+ years, so I was shocked when people who have never known me without it brought this up. Think about it this way: Would you ever utter, “You’re not going to wear that haircut to your wedding, are you?” It’s sort of the same, and you’re a dick if you say it.
2. “Oh, I didn’t see you marrying someone like that.”
Unless this is followed with, “You’re marrying a Chiefs fan but you love the Broncos! OMG CRAZY!” you better shut your face before your finish your sentence.
Manners be damned; the appropriate response here is likely, “Oh, I didn’t see myself on speaking terms with someone that rude.” or, in fewer words, “Eat shit.”
1. “Your ring is so small! Don’t worry, you can get a better one when he gets a better job.”
Hahahahaha. It sounds like I made that up, because it is so comically, stupidly rude. But alas, leave it to people to always surprise you. If you see something you wouldn’t like, it can be easy to assume the person who has it also doesn’t like it. For example, if someone drives an old, seen-better-days kind of car, you might assume they wish they had something new because you would wish you had something new. I get it; you imagine yourself in the other’s situation, which normally is a good thing. You sort of tried. However, someone might love that old, beat-up car. Maybe it was the last year for that car, and it was an intentional purchase. Maybe there is sentimental value. Maybe they wanted to buy a bitchin’ new boat and don’t give two shits about the car. Maybe you shouldn’t assume the worst unless the person says, “I wish I had a new, better car.”
But maybe you still cannot imagine what to say when people like something you think sucks. Remember this: Seeing someone’s baby and seeing someone’s engagement ring can be dealt with using the same sound-effect response. “Aww.” Then shut that shit down if you’ve got nothing nice to say.
Engaged? Married? Tell me about all the unsolicited rudeness of others in the comments and we can make fun of it together!
Amen!! Love it! I have one to include
” you ordered your dress ONLINE?? Omg bless your little heart… ( whispers to ugly unmarried, never been kissed see you next Tuesday friend… It’s soooo sad, she doesn’t have anyone to go dress shopping with….”
Ummm I heard that and ummm yeah maybe I don’t give two shats that you think I’m a sorry individual that couldn’t round up enough catty women folk to shoot down and make me feel like a cow in a dress…parading around on a pedestal to PAY for the privilege of having a “bridal consultant” up charge fee for a cheap dress that I decided I didn’t have time to mess around with all the fun and games of pleasing anyone but myself. Yeah, bless my heart… Went right online, ahh yes, looks like me, add to cart, paypal sent and received my cheap dress of my dreams minus all the comments and filler fees… Got what I wanted, took it to the seamstress who had it fitted to me for an extra 50.00 again minus the 3 month wait and countless fittings… Boom done… Picked up my cheap dress from seamstress the day off, put it on and off I went thank you very much. Not everyone WANTS to go to Kleinfelds of NY, not all of us have the need to fulfill the needs of others or to flaunt our wealth or lack there of around. And I wouldn’t do it over either so don’t ask me if I regret my 250.00 dress, no I was happy I didn’t have to deal with the idiots and their villages. And she lived happily ever after in her new home with her new husband… The end!
Great addition, Jess! What assholes! (And I’m glad ya got a good deal on a dress you love!)
Ohhhh Julianna!!! Thanks! Love your blog.. I always read, don’t always comment but I get a great chuckle! Good work! Ohhhh and that was 7 years ago and guess where I found that dress? Yep, you guessed it! Found it under a pile of long forgotten, dirty kids athletic shoes, old shit that needs to be gone thru…stuff destined for the dumpster and I’m happy to report… ( insert drumroll here pleazzzzze..) tried that old girl on and it fell to the ground in a heap of crinoline, organza and satin tears of happiness, sheer joy that 1) had I really been that ummm… Full figured..that day??? And b) holy shit so glad I didn’t mortgage the house to pay for a dress that’s worn one day for 3 hours that ended up in the basement under the seven year pile of life that had obnoxiously grew to the point where it did swallow that dress…think it might be time to donate it! Yeah, that’s what I’ll do! Hehe