So here’s a charming childhood tale: As a lil’ kid, around Christmas and my birthday, I would always make a wishlist and hand it to my dad. And every time he’d say, without fail, “Jules, I want you to remember something my father told me: Wish in one hand and shit in the other, and see which one fills up first.”
. . .
Ah, midwestern, working class dads and their hilarious dad-isms. That line, while great now, was more confusing than funny and/or full of life lessons to a seven-year-old. I never really knew how to respond, so I’d roll my eyes and go back to flipping through the Toys ‘R’ Us catalog before he’d chuckle and inevitably take my wishlist and hand it off to mom. Then, more likely than not, I’d get a wishlist item when said celebration rolled around and he’d explain that the wishlist worked because I never caused any trouble, or something similar I don’t remember because I’m now a lot older than seven.
The point of the story is that I laugh hysterically as an adult when I think back to the shit-eatin’ grin my father would sport while he’d tell me his joke about wishlists. He made a good point, it was just sort of lost on young/terminally bored ears. But now I get it. Now I understand. Now I work as a journalist where I pretty much earn Monopoly money that’s subsidized by free office candy, so I know exactly how far wishing is going to get me.
That’s why my wishes have gotten bigger. Much, much bigger. I can figure out how to budget in a hundred-dollar purchase here and there. If I’m wishin’, it better be for things that are so painfully, disgustingly expensive that I’d never buy them out of principle (or poorness, whatever). But let’s say I was given a crazy amount of money that I wasn’t allowed to save or budget or use to pay off bills. Let’s say I had to blow it. I wonder where it would go.
Jonathan Adler furniture: Because he combines mid-century modern with whimsical cuteness, and I must, must, must have it.
Jumbo designer handbags: They’re big, they’re beautiful, and they’re made of the nicest leather. These ones even come with fab hardware and in great colors! Swoon.
Cheeky Marc by Marc Jacobs Costume Jewelry: I like laughing, so jewelry that makes me chuckle when I see it is a must-have.
A Tablet: So I don’t need a tablet. There really is no reason for most people to have one. But if this pretend money has to be spent than I’m sure I’d love owning one. I’d rock the hell out of a meeting if I could bring my tablet… Girls with tablets probably get shit done. Or they just check Facebook more often.
A trip to Disney World: Self-explanatory.
All the Starbucks: See above.
Alexander McQueen anything: This brand perfected skulls in fashion. This shoe literally has a small mohawked head on it. That’s too insane to not get if you have an imaginary shopping spree.
Printed dresses: And not just any print. Fun prints. Unique prints. Prints that make people go, “Is she covered in lips?” Yes. Yes I am.
A Leather Jacket: I’ve been looking for a leather jacket for-evvvveeerrrr, and all I’ve seen are too expensive with too poor of quality. This one looks perfect and has some rad-tastic studding on the upper arms. I’ll take it!
Oh yeah, I guess I should note that I turn twenty-four on Saturday. I doubt I’m getting any of this for my birthday, but I’ll probably get enough cocktails and sugary treats to forget I’m a year away from—gulp—twenty-five, so at least there’s that. Happy birthday to me!