Eyelets and Our IVF Journey Updates

I feel like I’ve been tired for a while. Like a broken record, I keep repeating the same things to myself about my problems being caused by the IVF medicine and that these side effects won’t last forever. But a year has passed since we found out this would be our fate—and nearly three since we, slowly of course, started this obnoxious cycle of trying to get pregnant. And I am tired. And I have been tired. And tomorrow I’ll still be tired, but I’d prefer if being tired didn’t also mean missing things I truly enjoy like running this website.

With side effects ranging from allover body pain to depression, IVF is, for obvious reasons, a valid excuse to skip a few things. I delay a weekend home so I can sleep. I send Lance dateless to a few events because I’m too swollen for clothes. I miss a blog post, or a month of blog posts, because my heart is on fire after pumping fake hormones from the injections and the pills and the patches.  But in an attempt to keep my main (read: money making) job afloat, I published less than 60 articles on this site—my site! my online home for going on seven years!—during my magical year of attempting in vitro fertilization. Fuck.

I didn’t want to publish these photos because, as I’ve mentioned before, IVF medication can come with some serious weight gain. I feel like an awkward teenager looking at photos of me now, picking apart the details with an unhelpful obsession. Happiness does not come at a certain size, but anyone who has experienced a sudden physical change understands that a rapid shift outside of your control is… frustrating. But I liked this outfit. And I liked how I felt when I wore it. So here we are, unperfect blog post ready for publishing.

I don’t know what 2019 will bring, for the blog or otherwise. I have played out some scenarios in my head but who knows. Even with the uncertainty, I can make a few promises. I’m going to try (try!) to be a little nicer to myself during this process. With all the extra work its doing, I’ve tried to treat my body better with healthier food and some gym therapy. And this, my happy place, has to return to its prior place of importance. Expect at least two posts per week in 2019. I can’t guarantee they’ll all be fashion focused, or even happy, but during these turbulent times I’m not looking to lose this. Thanks for sticking around.

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